emotional healing Nov 15, 2017
I have been asked a lot: “What does it mean to generate happiness?”, “Do we truly have that choice?”…
Clients have told me again and again: “But, you don’t know what I am going through”… “May be it works for others but it is not possible for ‘Me”… “It may have worked for you, but my husband has a real bad temper”… “but my kids are so out of control”… “but I am in so much debt”… “but I have [insert name of disease here]”… The best answer for those statements is the title of Sean Stephenson brilliant book: “Get off your But!”
I don’t mean to be offensive to anyone here and I certainly do not under estimate the seriousness of what you are going through… Believe me, in my profession I have seen it all… And, I have also seen some amazing heroes and heroines who are going though sooooo much challenges and yet manage to find peace in their heart and happiness in their life…
It takes some effort to lift this depressive fog and you have to be willing to do the work… you might feel totally overwhelmed, depleted and have zero motivation to lift a finger… yet, you need to KEEP GOING! You need to keep taking those tiny steps forward EVERYDAY… no matter how you feel…
In Cognitive Behaviour therapy, it is believed that negative feelings are the result of negative thinking. Dr. Daniel Amen calls them ANTs - Automatic Negative Thoughts. You find yourself falling into an abyss of “I am worthless”, “I am good at nothing”, “I am a failure”, “What’s the point of trying”, “there is no use”… and the list goes on and on… Those ANTs creep into your mind and start generating their ‘stinging’ feelings. You become depressed, overwhelmed, hopeless, angry, frustrated…
And, in their turn those negative feelings generate self-defeating behaviours. You stay in bed longer, avoid friends and social gatherings, procrastinate… You are un-able and un-willing to work on your life and dreams - even if you love those dreams, you just can’t see the point of moving forward.
It is a vicious cycle and willing yourself out of it only causes you to sink deeper and deeper into your gloomy mood. So, What can you do?
To change the depressing feelings, you need to change the other 2 components of the cycle:
- Your thinking pattern (your cognition)
- Your actions (your behavior)
1. Catch the ANTs
2. Stare them in the face
3. Talk back to them
Seriously! Start monitoring your trail of thinking. Whenever you catch yourself slipping into negative thinking pattern catch that ANT and quickly stick it in your journal. Write down exactly what that negative thought pattern was. What were you saying to yourself?
Notice here that I am asking you to catch the ANTs not the feelings. Let’s say your kid behave badly at school or came back with bad grades… Your ANTs start creeping in: “I did not do a good job”, “It is totally my fault”, “I am a failure, how can I be a good mother if my kid has such bad grades”, “I am worthless, I should have stayed with him instead of going to that stupid gym”, “He will never achieve anything in his life and it will all be my fault” … Those are the ANTs… if you let them, they will generate their stinging feelings: “I feel like crap”, “I am so down”, “I feel like crying”…
We’re after the ANTs now, because we can actually do something about those ANTs: Stare them in the face and talk back to them.
Look at what you wrote in your journal and reflect about it… Can you challenge those thoughts?
“I am a failure” – We call this generalization. Are you really a total failure? Are you failing all the time in everything you do? I am sure you are not.
Now that you stared them in the face, start talking back to them. “I may be in need to spend some more time with him, but I am still a good mother. I take good care of my kids.” “he may have failed this test, but there is a lot of room for improvement and he can certainly make it up if we start working on it”… “I may have needed some time for myself in the gym, but this does not mean I don’t give my kids enough attention, may be I need to manage my time differently, but I am definitely not worthless”…
See where we’re going here? This exercise might seem so simple and straightforward. You might even think, what’s the point? I know this stuff anyway. But, knowing is totally different from applying. Writing those ANTs down and talking back to them makes you able to catch even more and more ANTs that might be creeping their way into your mind un-noticed. It also help you “develop more objectivity” as Dr. David Burns explains. You will eventually stop taking those thoughts so seriously and start looking at them with a much realistic eye.
This is the tough part. When we fall into depression we basically experience motivation paralysis. We just want to sit there and do nothing. We feel hopeless, helpless and totally drained. Right?
So how can I ask you to start doing stuff?
It’s the old paradox of who came first, the egg or the chicken…
Movement, action and tiny achievement generate motivation.
Yet, we need motivation to start moving, doing action and make some achievements.
The not-very-pretty-truth is: you have to start moving! Any micro movement will start the wheel spinning. Don’t think about big goals or great achievements… don’t fret about those dirty plates in the sink and the over flowing laundry basket… I will get up and wash 1 plate. I know, this sounds ridiculous. What will 1 plate do? It will start the wheel spinning… believe me… I’ve been there. Just one plate, 1 washing machine load, 1 reply to 1 email, printing 1 file, writing just the title of that 1 report, reading 1 page of that text book… 1 tiny step. If you still can’t do it, think about an even tinier one… For some clients of mine, just getting out of bed and washing their face was an achievement that was worthy of celebration… it started the wheel spinning and eventually they lifted that fog.
So here you have it the main 2 steps to lift you off a depressing mood…
1. Catch the ANTs and talk back to them
2. Keep the wheel spinning
We’ll talk more about generating happiness in future blog… Meanwhile, I’ll leave you now to start catching some ANTs.
Have a great day!